Spouse Attacks

Back in the 90’s there was a movie by Tim Burton about Martians surrounding earth with flying saucers called “Mar’s Attacks.”  The Martians used a universal translator to communicate with the earthlings, and they announced that they had “come in peace.”  However, before the speech is over a hippie releases a dove and all out intergalactic war breaks out.  The earthlings do not stand a chance against the death ray guns of the Martians.  One zap and they turn to dust.

When was the last time you thought you were going to have a peaceful time with your spouse but you didn’t? Life has a way of unsuspectingly sneaking up on you and then circumstances attack your world. In these moments we need our spouse more than ever. A seemingly unprovoked attack by your spouse can leave you questioning yourself and place you at daunting odds within your relationship.

Getting zapped by your spouse comes in many forms.  It may be a critical comment or not following through with something they promised.  There are many things that we can do to each other or not do for each other that causes us to feel like our spouse is an alien.  These episodes of destruction can even be started with good intentions of making life better, but lead to a destructive domination that doesn’t place enough value upon your spouse.

Ways to Defeat An Alien Attack or How to Keep Peace In Your Marriage:
1.  Look for crop circles!  Those warning signs that an attack is soon to break upon the horizon.  Listen to the emotion in your spouses voice and find out why they are feeling that emotion.  Be responsible for your relationship.  Stop making excuses or blaming and contribute to health.  Deliberately slow yourself down and develop space to work on your marriage.

2.  Make your own foil hat.  Not literally, it may lighten the mood or your lack of seriousness to your spouses concern could be very hurtful.  The point being protect yourself from overreaction and under reaction.  When the atmosphere is filled with the tension of an unhappy spouse, don’t launch an emotion filled nuclear attack back at them.  Take a slow, deep breath because if you unleash an attack, the fallout will destroy what is left of your relationship.  Taking a breath gives you the space and time to move from an emotional high to a more focused and rational point of view.  Consider this: when we take a deep breath our body releases serotonin, which calms our central nervous system.

3.  Don’t Give Birth to An Alien.  There is an 80’s classic alien movie where the aliens planted their spawn inside of people, making them the host for their alien baby.  What I mean is this, don’t force your opinion on your spouse and dominate them with your “alien baby” that they don’t want.  Present an option that you believe may resolve the situation and allow them to disagree.  You could also say, “I hear you, and I need to think about this for a while.  Let’s take a thirty minute break and then talk this through.”

These three steps bring about fair fighting, if you leave out name calling, absolutes and disappearing acts.  Conversation with an understanding of the emotional impact is the key here.  Since you can’t agree on everything, be willing to disagree and allow more time to resolve issues.  Truth be told, it has taken years for me to understand somethings that have really upset my spouse.  So thankful that I received the time needed to come around to a place that we could agree.  Somethings we will never agree on, like how to load a dishwasher.  We just choose to let each other load it however we want.

Couples committed to Till Death Parts Us, don’t wait till it’s too late!  If you wait till your spouse is throwing UFO’s at your head, you are in trouble.

Prison Break Your Marriage

Have you ever seen in a prison movie when the prisoners are watching the guards for the right opportunity to make a prison break?   They plot and plan for just the right chance to get free.

Sometimes in our marriage we feel trapped and locked up in our relationship. This pressure can almost be unbearable and lead us to feel like we need to escape.

In the movies the prisoners sacrifice everything to get out of those walls and experience freedom.   We may feel like we need to break free, but we don’t need to break from our marriage.  We need to break free from what is keeping us from locking down in our relationship.  We need to run from complacency and find greater intimacy with our spouse.  In other words, our natural desire to have more can trick us into fleeing from our spouse.   The solution isn’t in running from, but actually in running to our spouse.

Five steps to prison break your marriage by seeking intimacy and fleeing complacency.
1. You must schedule some time to meet one on one with your spouse and share the trouble on your heart.
2.  Get away from your environment and experience some neutral ground.
3.  Discover what your spouse feels and sees in your relationship.
4.  Clearly identify the areas of  dissatisfaction.
5. Work together to create solutions and provide joy to those areas of brokenness.

This is a process for finding solutions, not the solution. You are the solution and you have what it takes to find a pardon in your relationship. Work together in finding real solutions.

I’m Tired of Sucky Appetizers

We snuck away for a mini-date and while checking out the appetizer menu we realized that nothing looked good.   We couldn’t find what we wanted. We craved something fresh and unfried.

That is how I felt when I needed to see and feel something new in my spouse.  Don’t get me wrong.   Even though the appetizer menu at our fave hangout might suddenly feel a bit stale, we’re not leaving because we’re loyal.

However, we were so glad when they updated the menu.   I want the same in my marriage relationship.

My spouse is my spouse–not changing. However,  give me some new love.   I crave a deeper feeling than before.   Something new that keeps me guessing and knowing I’m not taken for granted.   Something that rekindles the reason why I’m taken for life. Perhaps we need to remember the power of the ten second kiss.

Five Things to Keep Me Guessing
1.  It can be as simple and risque’ as sending your spouse a sexy text.
2.  It can be as committing as doing the Love Dare.   Forty days of renewing your commitment to one another.
3.  It can be spiritually leading, such as embracing your spouse and praying a blessing over them.  Help to show them that they know they’re the only one for you.
4.  Show up at their place of employment for a surprise I love you.   You don’t have to stay long. You could even coordinate with their assistant or coworkers to whisk them away for a special lunch.
5.  Simply ask them everyday, ” Give me one thing that I can do for you.”

Our waiter stopped by the table and flipped a page in the menu to reveal a new appetizer. As soon as we saw the new option we knew it was for us. Take it from us, after 23 years of marriage, sometimes you just need something new.  If marriage gets too familiar, ask for help from someone who knows. It could be just as simple as turning the page.

Till death parts us…keep searching for the new in each other.

Pulling Out From A Dive Bomb Conversation

What is it about conversations that cause them to resemble a WWII dive bomber that is plunging towards the ground at an incredible rate of speed? Do you know what I’m talking about? You and your spouse seem happy enough, then for whatever reason, while you are sharing your heart about the events that you will face that day, she says, “Hold on, I’ve got to dry my bangs.” At any other time that statement could be accepted or understood. Today, not so much. My response was more like, “Seriously? I was just about to pour my heart out. It was like when the dog rolls over for a belly scratch and you walk right on by; rejection at it’s worst. How could you do that to me?” Oh yes, I can be that pathetically selfish and egocentric.

At times marriage is like flying a WWII dive bomber and we have these moments when we think, “It is time for war!” So there I was, my pride injured because I couldn’t stand having my conversation interrupted and wait the 15 seconds that it takes for my wife to dry her bangs. I will say one thing, it was incredibly easy to get her to stop drying her hair. All it took was a simple criticism about interrupting the conversation and the next thing we knew we were both contributing to destroying each other. Epic crash.  Oh, and Jamie was destined to look like Moe from the Three Stooges the rest of the day.  She contends that there is a “small window of opportunity” to dry your bangs before they take a nose dive of their own.  You women out there can testify to this!

You’d think that after twenty-three years of marriage these type of emotional crashing conversations would stop. No, not true. We can amaze each other and our children with how we can effortlessly push a conversation into a downward spiral. I’m sure today during those emotionally charged moments that I even caught a random bird in the face while falling from the sky. Don’t think too far into that.  My wife didn’t flap a “you’re number one, jerk” sign in my face.

I’ve heard that it takes incredible strength to pull one of those planes out of a dive to keep it from crashing into the ground.  A conversation caught in a death spiral is not so different.  It takes incredible strength to let it go and not get war like and destroy the mood.

My comment led to her comment, that led me to make a motion in the air with my hand. While shaking my head, I lifted my hand and made a downward diving motion, while saying, “What just got into us? Our conversation is going nowhere but down. We’ve got to stop this before it goes somewhere.” She laughed and said, “I know, right?”

If at first you don’t succeed, start another arguement. Again, not more than 30 seconds later the conversation takes another downward spiral. Again, hand motion and more shaking of heads. We just laughed together about how silly we were being.

It was at that point we rediscovered how to pull out from a dive bomb conversation. We realized what was happening and we just stopped. We laughed at ourselves and gave each other the attention needed to communicate care and attention. Simple, really. It’s not difficult knowing what to do in these situations. It can be difficult following through. I guess after 23 years we are still learning to laugh at ourselves and not drive the conversation and mood into the ground. Help us Lord!

What to do when your conversation starts to crash?
1. Admit that things are going wrong and that you are contributing to the problem.
2. Accept responsibility for yourself and stop creating friction with your spouse.
3. Confess to your partner what you did wrong. Don’t tell them what they did wrong. Give them space to figure it out on their own.
4. Take responsibility for your actions and apologize for getting so easily upset.
5. Get back into the conversation, but this time, with love and grace.

It may or may not take incredible strength to pull your conversations out of a death spiral. It does take ownership and a willingness to love your spouse and laugh at yourself. The next time you have a conversation that heads south, pause and pull the conversation up before a bird flies into your face.

Till Death Parts Us…until then it’s all love and war…with dive bombers!

What chu Talkin ‘Bout Willis

Most of us are familiar with the 1970’s sitcom, Different Strokes, where the cute little Gary Coleman, aka Arnold was famous for saying what you talkin’ bout Willis?  This usually happened when his brother said something to him that caught him off guard or took him by surprise.

We took vows and made a commitment to live with love for one another, but sometimes we seem to stretch those vows and commitment a bit and it causes our spouse to respond like Arnold, “What you talkin’ bout Willis?” Bad stuff happens in marriage that doesn’t look much like love and grace. We take our spouse for granted, judge them or fail to give grace when they make a mistake.

The daily habit of marriage must be one that is dominated by a sense of forgiveness and grace. When our spouse is our closest friend with whom we seek to get better at loving, our marriage relationship deepens. This type of living is a choice for both of you. It takes purposeful effort to create a space where love can grow.

How often do we take our spouse by surprise in our own marriages leaving them saying, “What you talking about Willis?” If it is happening very often, you are living in a relationship that will take life from both of you. This kind of marriage is always at serious risk of having a breaking point.

How often are we guilty of catching our spouse off guard and blindsiding them with an attitude that lacks grace and mercy?

Five Communication Keys to Building Your Marriage:
1. Listen with your body: How you carry or hold yourself will communicate to your spouse how important they are. Start by making eye contact. Use receptive body language and touch to affirm your love for your spouse.

2. Undivided Attention: It is important to give each other undivided attention when the other one is talking. If you are watching TV, then mute the television or turn it off. If your reading a magazine or blog, stop looking at the page and look into their eyes. The key is to listen in a way that they know you are listening.

3. Respond Back to The Spouse Who Is Talking: It is very frustrating when you don’t know if your spouse is listening. One way to communicate that you are listening is to repeat back to your spouse what you think they are saying to you. Allow space for a reply that affirms that you are listening or gives additional information so that you both understand what is going on.

4. Get the Emotion Right: It not just the details of the conversation that matter. What emotion is your spouse experiencing? Be sure to spend time going over the emotions of the day. If your spouse shares something that you perceive is stressful, then say, “That must of been stressful.” If that doesn’t express their feelings emotionally, then they can say, “No, it wasn’t stressful. It was exciting!” By sharing details and emotions, you have a fuller understanding of what each partner is experiencing.

5. Details of the Day: Be sure that at the begining of the day, you go over what each of you have on the schedule and at the end of the day, spend time reviewing your the events of the day. In doing this, you will be aware of what is going on in each others lives. If you can’t do it in this order, than adjust schedules so that you have a begining conversation and and ending conversation of your daily events. In this way, you grow together daily, and important part to a joyful marriage.

When you experience this kind of understanding in a relationship, you will be rewarded with the love of knowing each other and fully experiencing life together. You may not keep your spouse from responding, “What you talkin’ bout Willis?” However, when they do respond that way, your relationship will be strong enough to grow from the moment.

My Spouse…My Calcutta

There may be no other woman who has impacted the world with the compassion of Christ than, Mother Theresa.  It has been said that she regularly received requests by westerners deeply touched by her ministry, to join her cause.  She would simply reply, “Stay where you are. Find your own Calcutta. Find the sick, the suffering and the lonely right there where you are — in your own homes and in your own families, in your workplaces and in your schools. … You can find Calcutta all over the world, if you have the eyes to see. Everywhere, wherever you go, you find people who are unwanted, unloved, uncared for, just rejected by society — completely forgotten, completely left alone.”

To Mother Theressa, Calcutta could be easily and quickly accessed in our own homes.  The begining of living out the mission of Christ is no further away than my relationship with my spouse. 

Perhaps one of the greatest spiritual disciplines is marriage.  The life experience that reflects back to us who we really are, is the one between you and your spouse.  Christian Spirituality may just be most profoundly lived out in the everyday, garden variety experience of marriage.  The spiritual discipline that transforms us the most is found in quiet service, regular forgiveness and reconciliation.  Not in isolation from others.  Imagine that I’m not the closest to Christ in meditative hours on a mountain top, but in quiet submission to the one who has committed to love me til death do us part.

The most central teachings of Christ can be profoundly lived out with someone whom you share life.  These most transformational moments are experienced when you wake up, when you get ready, when you travel to your daily activities, when you eat, when you play and when you lie down. 

Mother Theresa once stated, “To show great love for God and our neighbor we need not do great things.  It is how much love we put in the doing that makes our offering something beautiful for God.”  It is found in folding clothes, washing dishes, mowing lawns, balancing bank accounts, treating illness, and even in giving space to the hormonal and the low or high testosterone moments of life, til death do us part.

Where should I go to be more like Jesus, to my Calcutta, my lovely bride. 

Back on the Rez… Resolution that is..

New Year Resolutions are as common as they’re broken.   Every January when I go to work out at my local gym the once vacant machines are filled with well intentioned, and out of breath resoluters.  Key to success in your resolution,  keep them simple and doable. This Year we’re taking our own advice and only seeking to improve our marriage relationship a bit.

It Ain’t Broke, It Just Lacks Duct Tape

Duct tape is a staple in our home. From the custom built duct tape wallet, to the homemade belt that secures our toddler’s diaper from his removal, or the “lock” on the refrigerator door.  It has been a loyal servant and friend to our family for years, ever finding new ways to serve us.

Duct tape is a universal tool that can fix what is broken and make sustainable creations. One of our favorite shows, Myth Busters has featured the metallic colored band of sticky strength numerous times.  Once they successfully built and sailed a sailboat made entirely out of a wire frame and duct tape.

Sometimes a marriage relationship needs a quick repair to keep things from falling apart.  These simple, quick fixes can be just like a roll of duct tape, just tear off a strip and apply.  It is just that easy.   It’s important to realize that these healthy, yet easy solutions don’t permanently repair every problem.  They only move your relationship to a healthier place where you can work together to find longer lasting solutions.

Relationship Duct Tape Fix #1: Turning the other cheek.  Allowing your spouse to be upset and blow off steam will help both of you deal with the difficulties of life.  Simply stated, you are responding to inappropriate actions or comments with forgiveness and grace.  Once the dust has settled and you have time to share, kindly let your spouse know how difficult it was to hear the comments they made or actions you witnessed.  Then give them a chance to share what caused this unnecessary outburst.

Relationship Duct Tape Fix #2: Walking the extra mile.  Your spouse may place an unnecessary demand on you that require a physical response.  It may even be something they can do on their own.  Responding to these type requests with a smile or a kiss is an unselfish response that shapes you more into the likeness of Christ.

Relationship Duct Tape Fix #3: The Golden rule, do to your spouse what you would have them do to you.  Loving your spouse the way you would want to be loved produces important dividends.  Instead of returning a bad comment or action with a similar poor response, respond in a way that would bless you if in a similar situation.  Responding this way sustains your relationship in lovingly creative ways.

With each of these relationship duct tape fixes, taking time to reflect, consider your previous actions, and then make needed adjustments will mature your marriage to last a lifetime.  Going back and “pulling off” the duct tape may hurt a little, especially if there is hair underneath.  Be gentle with each other.  However, a little pain may be necessary to get to where you need to be.  Lovingly sharing, listening and responding with healthy behaviors will secure a marriage to last till death parts you.

Wedding Gifts: Reminders of forgiveness and faithfulness, “Till death parts us”

Summer is a time for gardening, growing flowers, vacations and weddings.  If there are weddings, then there are also wedding showers.  Wedding showers provide a wonderful tradition that encourages community between friends and family for soon to be married couples.

After twenty years of marriage we don’t have many of our wedding gifts left.  Most of the dishes have been broken.  The ones left are chipped, faded and/or cracked.  The bed sheets are so thin you can read a newspaper through them.  BTW, why do we still have them?  We still have some nice gifts that somehow have survived five children and numerous moves.  We often joke that we need another wedding shower to replace all the worn and broken gifts that haven’t survived. 

Aside from things that are replaceable or repairable, our relationship together isn’t as easily remedied.  Picking out new dishes, towels or bed linens may give its own challenges.  However, the old items are sometimes cherished.  Each chip has a story of a time that has gone by.  The last glass of a set can serve as a reminder of days that can never be relived.

Likewise, years of being married leaves a level of wear on a relationship.  Though some of the past may best be forgotten, a worn relationship is not a destroyed relationship.  In some ways, we may develop worn and chipped edges in our marriage.  Experiences that have happened over the years are like chips in a dish and they can serve as reminders of where you have been and how God has matured you and your marriage.  Be reminded that scripture doesn’t hide the tarnished facts and neither can you forget all the moments when your marriage became chipped.  A marriage that continues to mature despite the chips, cracks and broken pieces is a marriage that models forgiveness and faithfulness.

Cinderella Story: Living Our Commitment…”Till Death Parts Us”

Going to a restaurant with friends can be like marriage.  You order what you want, then when you see what your friends have ordered, you wish you had ordered what they have.   Recently, a friend of ours was lamenting how they wished their spouse was different.  This feeling led them to believe that their marriage would be better if their spouse would be more like their friends spouse.  We have found out that when a married person wants their spouse to be like someone else, they often fail to consider that the ideal person doesn’t really exist.  In their minds they have stepped into a fairy tale that may not have a happily ever after ending. 

Remember that scene in the classic Cinderella story where Prince Charming was trying to find the girl who fit the glass slipper?  When he came to Cinderella’s house, her step sisters were determined to squeeze their massive feet into the dainty glass slipper.  The sister’s feet were huge in comparison to the small slipper, more like feet belonging to a professional basketball player.  When watching the scene, you can’t help to imagine; why are you even trying to place that fragile, dainty shoe on a massive foot?  Even a spatially challenged three year old could tell the shoe wouldn’t fit.  Try as they might, no amount of pressure or finagling would allow any of their feet to slip in.  If you try to fit your spouse into something they are not, you are only going to frustrate one another.

It’s a real temptation to identify what appear to be strengths within the life of another couple that is actually just a fairy tale understanding.  This behavior can consume an individual and lead them to believe that they have a marriage that doesn’t fit.  Remember, only Cinderella’s foot would fit the glass slipper, because the slipper was made for her. 

Some of the worst marriages can look the prettiest on the outside.  Perhaps the traits you desire to be different in your spouse are legitimate and just maybe…those traits you want to change, actually make them who they are and to alter them would ruin their identity.  The Cinderella story is a fairy tale, and not real.  Unrealistic expectations in a marriage can be burdensome and ultimately destructive.  By all means, enjoy a Cinderella marriage; however, don’t force your spouse to wear a glass slipper that doesn’t fit.